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Urizen, God of Darkness and the Old World

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[23 May 2006|11:54pm]
Burn out. Replace it, useless to you now. Not good enough? Replace the unit, its shot to shit. Feel like a junkie, I can’t sense anything properly. Time to up the dosage. 12 hours in between, ends in 30 minutes. I don’t have any more. Melting away in a cup. What was it called? Memory is terrible when there’s all this shit in my head. Its an anesthetic, used mainly on animals, because in humans it can cause out of body experiences. Vitamin K. Line is dead, hope you’re not. I’m not even there, yet. Playing on their little prejudices. “You’re a master of the psychology of disgruntled adolescents who should be doing something more productive.” Thanks. Cross off Thursday. Friday is booked. Saturday is… work, and nothing more. Waiting for the mail to come, curiosity has taken over. It still hasn’t come back. And it’s been three days now, this won’t end. Gentle. Please be gentle with me. Being clouded lets me focus only on one thing. I miss it so much. There it goes again, falling off whenever I touch it. Thank the God I don’t believe in that it doesn’t hurt anymore. What’ve I got? Are they related? Need you to take care of me. You can’t. Got to do it myself. Don’t want to do it by myself. Don’t want to be alone. I’m waiting. Tattooed finger is all I’ve got. We have contact.
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[23 May 2006|12:46am]
Inch and a half of it is up there, it tickles though. I still can’t win, and it’s been two days now. There is a unique sense of union, between a boy from Penn State and myself, when we see a car parked in front of us with a Michigan Alumni sticker on it, a warm fuzzy hatred. It must be fate that the kids you hate the most in high school go there. Don’t pick at it, that’s a bad place for a scar. It’s not the wriggling I hate, it’s the smell. Resistances need to be higher. Blood Lords can be handled individually, not in packs. It’s all clear, which I thought meant I was healthy. I guess it’s actually allergies; I’ll have to go back to the antihistamines. Mellow. Should be feeling something. Tranq this. Still have some Endocet, would that be so bad? No one else’s. I don’t know you, get out of here. Area code 530 is where? I’ve definitely been there from the start, not like I just walked in from the bathroom. Funny how I just learned what Fibonacci was last week. Abandoned. Abaddon. Apollyon. Wait, abandoned? It’s not like I’ve really said much, how is that fair? Life has had its volume turned down. I’m not depressed, I swear it. I won’t bother to explain it then. “Say hello to the rug’s topography, it holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it.” What a great line. Missed the point of evolution, but still a good theory. Or maybe I just don’t know how it works. It was for you.
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[21 May 2006|11:53pm]
My eyes are burning. White hot, or red hot, I couldn’t tell you. Easily replaced. Oh, she beat it after 3 times, go prodigy. Drop of a hat though. I don’t even wear hats. Wish I could see. This isn’t for attention. I need this all the same. It’s a long time to wait, but that’s the test isn’t it. Time is up. I really am drab, I can tell. Paranoid. 2 suits makes 1 look like a joke, though I suppose if I ever beat 4 it’ll do the same to 2. There is no such thing as a parabol. I can’t believe I actually wrote that paper, it reminds me of when I was good at writing. Can’t breathe. Little red pills, save me. Computer seems to have stopped working, that’s not good. Won’t unleash the firefox. That was his password, and I’ve got his jar full of them sitting on my desk. Not in the house, wouldn’t want to break something. Maybe I do. He’s not coming back, does he care enough to see me again? 9/8, 8/8, 7/8. 8/8 is the same as 4/4 isn’t it? Just the eighth notes become quarter notes, if I remember how it even works. A couple days? Hands are sticky, how did that happen? He never came back either, not sure what to think about that. Errors increase value? How does that work? I think I’m wrong. I think what I’m living for is wrong, but I still don’t think anyone else is right. I guess ill just give up on that front, and enjoy my life while I have it. Change them again. Drain it. Puncture, drain, sanitize. I can’t even drop them in the water to save them pain. It’s going to die anyway, why can’t I have the courage to speed it up and end the pain? It’s struggling, I can’t watch it. I should be doing something constructive. Why can I not accept the feeling that there is nothing that needs to be done this summer as far as school work? Drain it. Ear infection, yeast and bacteria. How did you pull that one off? Can’t drain that, gotta clean it. Oblivion and oblivious, to me, seem to have nothing in common. Can I manipulate someone? Had to erase that. AWOL. On hold. Not your business.
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[20 May 2006|10:32pm]
Who are you to claim ownership to another? Does not a person have their own will to choose whom they partake action with? I would do better. A perfect stranger is a perfect friend. There is nothing you know of each other, which allows you to tell each other the deepest secrets, and the painful memories you each hold. This is because the other knows nothing of you, and what you tell that stranger is your true self, unclouded by other, less important experiences. The stranger becomes your friend for it can see you perfectly, as your best friends cannot. They are the best judgment. If I plunge a needle in my eye, do you see me? Project MKULTRA. Why do I not find interest in such things? I fear them. I fear losing control over myself. Sometimes I don’t even know if I have that anymore. I want to share something with the world. The world is not my perfect stranger, and neither are you. Don’t call me Clint. If I don’t believe in it, why do I find myself so attracted to it? I could be wrong too, maybe. Why do the words come before they start? “Excessive fear of being alone without subject of attachment.” Its all water. Read the directions. I can’t get pregnant. A friend to call my own and no one else’s, without claiming ownership though, would be nice. Why are you talking to me? That shouldn’t have been capitalized. Researching the number 23 passes the time. Finding its significance to one person is a whole other matter. Is the work worth it? Do I really need it? Probably not, but it would be nice. It makes me feel rather materialistic though. I’ll keep the thought I got from someone else: “I don’t own many things, but what I do own is nice.” Problem there is I do own a lot of things I don’t need. That woman was full of shit anyway, but each heap of it holds in it a hidden truth. Probably why I like her so much.
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Franz Kafka [23 Mar 2006|05:11pm]
"There has never been a time in which I have been convinced from within myself that I am alive. You see, I have only such a fugitive awareness of things around me that I always feel they were once real and are now fleeting away. I have a constant longing, my dear sir, to catch a glimpse of things as they may have been before they show themselves to me. I feel that they were calm and beautiful. It must be so, for often I hear people talking about them as though they were."
-Conversation with the Supplicant

" So perhaps the best course is to meet everything passively, to make yourself an inhert mass, and if you feel that you are being carried away, not to let yourself be lured into taking a single unnecessary step, to stare at others with the eyes of an animal, to feel no compunction, in short, with your own hand to throttle down whatever ghostly life remains in you, that is, to enlarge the final peace of the graveyard and let nothing survive save that."
-Meditation: Resolutions
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If you ever get the chance... [07 Feb 2006|08:35pm]
I won't say how, but Brad and I acquired some Liquid Nitrogen tonight. Take an orange, put it in, take it out, and throw it... It shatters.
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A collection of thoughts from the break [04 Jan 2006|05:38pm]
[ mood | calm ]

It's funny how your parents can tell whats on your mind, even when they only know about 20% of your life at school.

Frank the Bunny is awesome.

Being too far from those in need can be either painful, or blissful.

Bird seed sells like whoa.

I don't care what you say, Fresca is delicious.

Not knowing what people do without you there can be hard, but if you actually know the person well enough, your wild guesses will turn out to be close to true about three fourths of the time.

Knowing one member of a family does not mean you know how the rest of them think.

Grandparents can be occupied with handheld poker and sudoku.

It would seem that the best time to call me these days, is around 1am.

Falling in love on a cruise is an excellent motivational tool.

Being sexiled from your own room on a cruise is an excellent demotivational tool.

When the worst thing that happens to your home when you come back is that the closest outback steakhouse has moved, your life is pretty good.

Research and preperation get you what you want.

Penn State games should always be so good.

The pronunciation of "Au jus" is key when eating steak with a jewish person.

Dry skin is bad. I knew this allready, but it has been reitterated with stronger medication.

People find it uncomfortable that I am comfortable with death.

Tearing down trees to make a parkway to ToysRUs is awful. Thats saying something, comming from me.

I've become oddly excited about the scars on my own body.

Cats are the shit, except when they smell like it.

Michigan State University is the best thing that's happened to me in my entire life, and knowing that I got there without holding anybody's hand makes it all the more amazing.

When you have a story that everybody needs to hear, tell everybody at once. Telling it over and over again is annoying.

Who would have thought there would be so many transvestite films?

Mood rings seem to be a conversation piece. Or maybe just when they're on me.

I think that whole "your mom" thing might be going out of style, finally.

Don't make lists like these, unless you know you'll never get all the thoughts down.

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[30 Dec 2005|11:29pm]
So this drug I'll be on, here are the possible side effects

-pseudotumor cerebri (elevation of pressure in the brain), leading to headache nausea, vomiting and visual disturbances (I see shit that ain't real)
-low white cell count
-hepatitis
-anemia
-kidney stones
-ulcers
-birth defects of children of pregnant women on medication
-hair loss
-skin infections
-elevation of triglycerides
-cataracts in the eyes
-nose bleeds
-depression
-suicidal thoughts

And here are the side effects I will almost definately get
-dry lips, face, mouth, nose
-nosebleeds possibly
-maybe itchy eyes, though I dont use contacts so I doubt that

Gotta ask myself why I'm doing this.
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[13 Dec 2005|11:07pm]
Somebody once told me "I expect the worst from life. That way when things don't go the way I want, I'm prepared for it."

Not even doing that makes you prepared everytime.
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Snuh? [09 Dec 2005|11:22am]
So it's been snowing on and off for the past 2 weeks now. But we got 8 inches last night. Gotta love it here.
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I love this kid [01 Dec 2005|11:10pm]
IceMonk28: wassup
DragoN9ClouD: not much. takin a break from elf
IceMonk28: the movie>?
DragoN9ClouD: no, the sexual escapade
DragoN9ClouD: lol
DragoN9ClouD: yes the movie
IceMonk28: lol
IceMonk28: ooo sounds kinky
IceMonk28: bow chicka bow wow
DragoN9ClouD: HAHA
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[17 Nov 2005|02:53pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Welcome to winter. Snow has hit the ground.

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Hmm [11 Nov 2005|11:54am]
I cleaned the bathroom last night, sink, toilet, mirrors, shower, and the floor. I'm scared to venture the comment that I may have enjoyed myself doing this. Regardless, it looks very sanitary now, as compared to before, when I swear i think there was poo on the side of the toilet.

Oh yea, and theres a good chance now that I may be forcefailed in my chemistry lab. Sweet.
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Preaching [31 Oct 2005|11:50am]
It is very unusual that a class I hate so much can make you think like this. I do not believe that there is a single person in that class that does not believe in God, other than myself. So when people begin to talk, in a science college, about how God is the creator of all things, and that His will is why we are, I become confused. How do you plan to live your life, as a catholic scientist? You're religion will not allow you to embrace your job as reality, and your job will not allow you to follow your religion, if you want either of these aspects to become full fledged. But this is besides the point. What really struck me today, is this: the topic of morals has come up in our class, and if God has made morals for man to follow, how do we know that they are really God's words? Taking this further, examine a culture in Africa who does not know what God is, never will, and has a completely different lifestyle. They have different ideas of right and wrong, and everything they do that is morally unacceptable, is commonplace and propper for us. But here is why. Man created God, as a specific way to live life. Because even if what this man who made Catholosism is absolutely correct, he doesn't know that. He made it for the purpose of having a moral standard for his society. That goes for every religion, not just christianity. Taking into account that from science, we have determined that we are not the center of the solar system, the galaxy, or even the universe, we are the center of nothing. We are insignificant, and even if there IS a God out there, there is a good chance that he is unaware of your presence, and that even if hes is, he doesn't hold you in his highest regards. As such, I have concluded this. Regardless of what you believe, you NEED to be willing to accept the fact that what you believe, and everything that you live for, may be wrong. This applies especially for me, as being a secular human, and I have accepted this state of awareness.
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Feeling Selfish [14 Oct 2005|10:02am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Maybe I need to find some friends that don't drink, live on the other side of the campus, don't have boyfriends, or don't play poker. That way I wont feel quite as neglected at the end of the day. Shit, I'm whinning. I haven't done that in a long... long... time. Need to stop cursing too. Ignore that fecal comment.

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[02 Oct 2005|12:53pm]
Fahd makes the noises of babies being smothered when he sleeps.
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A public dis-saftey announcement [30 Sep 2005|01:22pm]
You take a 98-percent concentration of fuming nitric acid and add the acid to three times that amount of sulfuric acid. Do this in an ice bath. Then add glycerin drop-by-drop with an eye dropper. You have nitroglycerin.
Mix the nitro with sawdust, and you have a nice plastic explosive. Alot of folks mix their nitro with cotton and Epsom salts as sulfate. This works too. Some folks, they even use paraffin mixed with nitro.

The three ways to make napalm: One, you can mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate. Two, you can mix equal parts of gasoline and diet cola. Three, you can dissolve crumbled cat litter in gasoline until the mixture is thick.

A cathode ray tube, CRT, you either remove the plastic housing around the tube, this is easy enough, or you work through the vent panels in the top of the housing.
First you have to unplug the monitor from the power source and from the computer.
This would also work with a television.
Just understand, if there's a spark, even static electricity from the carpet, you're dead. Screaming, burned-alive dead.
A cathode ray tube can hold 300 volts of passive electrical storage, so use a hefty screwdriver across the main power supply capacitor, first. If you're dead at this point, you didn't use an insulated screwdriver.
There's a vacuum inside the cathode ray tube so the moment you drill through, the tube will suck air, sort of inhale a little whistle of it.
Ream the little hole with a larger bit, until you can put the tip of a funnel into the hole. Then, fill the tube with your choice of explosive. Homemade napalm is good.
A sort of fun explosive is potassium permanganate mixed with powdered sugar. The idea is to mix one ingrediant that will burn very fast with a second ingrediant that will supply enough oxygen for that burning. This burns so fast, it's an explosion.
Barium peroxide and zinc dust.
Ammonium nitrate and powdered aluminum.
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[21 Sep 2005|04:29pm]
People aren't helping me. I have problems and no one seems to see it. I have a mother who thinks that everything I do is wrong and tells me to do things I've either allready done or tells me things I've allready figured out. Nagging, thats what its called, and I hate it. I've hated it my entire life. I have friends who aren't listening to what I say and don't understand that I have problems. I'm the shrink, I should be able to fix it. Fuck you, what if I DIDN'T listen to all your problems. I have people who don't trust me. People I've known for years that don't seem to know who I am. No one supports me. No one undersands that I'm busy. I have a schedule too dipshits, and it doesn't coincide with yours. Oh, so sorry, suck my dick. I'm not hiding anything. I never do, I'm not good at it. I don't lie because I'm not good at it. It comes from my dad. Dad. Hes actually been rather supportive of me. He doesn't take all the shit I cry about personally. Hes rational. Logical. Sensible. Wonder where I got it from huh. But I've snapped. Fuck you and your money. Stop complaining. Don't tell me it will be ok. The only way it will be ok is if I fix it. And I'm not in a position to do that. I hate not knowing. I hate ignorance. I hate people that don't trust me. I hate people that lie to me. I hate people that don't trust the people I trust. Fuck all of you. If you want to help, then leave me the fuck alone. I'll fix everything by myself just like I always have to do because you've never understood my problems. I don't depend on you, and if you depend on me that only slows me and you both down. Most of the people I'm talking about will never actually read this. And I don't care. Maybe I'll send you a link so I can make it obvious of whats going on. I've mentioned no names, but you all know who the fuck you are.
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[02 Sep 2005|02:33pm]
Today's New York Times has an image on the front page of a corpse floating in the water.
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[19 Aug 2005|11:43pm]
I love you.
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